Thursday, September 02, 2010

Making Connections: Am I unwilling to emotionally invest?

I had a great visit on the phone with my sister, Tara, last night. She was on her way to Rapid City for a job interview and had just stopped for the night somewhere in South Dakota. Our conversation ran along the lines of where we are in our lives right now, at least, career wise. Both of us are single mothers and are very dedicated to a way of life that is in service to the people.

One of the things that I have always valued about my connection with Tara is that I need to do very little explaining about what's happening in my life. She gets what I am saying.

In talking with her, I said, "I have been here in Lincoln for a little over two years now and although I have a really strong connection with our sundance circle here, I still have held many people at arms length! I haven't really connected with anyone here, like I did in the Twin Cities!"

She replied, "Well, it's because you have been uncertain about what you are going to do, whether you are going to stay there or not. You haven't made any emotional investments! Especially if you plan to move again."

Hmmmm...this gave me much to think about today.

I went to the Talking Circle last night. I got to share and again, feel very connected to this circle, as well. I really do love people in the Lincoln Community! But I know this about myself. I hesitate to get close. Getting close to someone, anyone, can be an absolute joy but can also be terrifying if one has to leave.

Okay. So what do I do?

I have been spending time with different friends, from time to time. I have hosted birthday parties at my house and have had ceremonies, too. So, I am not totally reclusive! And, I am continually surrounded with my children.

This is an interesting time for me. I feel that I am becoming the writer I've always wanted to be and I am doing the things I love to do! But there is still that one element of letting anyone get close to me.

I need to grow...again.


Steve Julian said...

Emotionally investing makes us vulnerable. vulnerable to heartache, disappointment and a host of sad situations. But it is worth it.
Think of the friendships made. The laughter shared.
Hope you get to a place that it is safe to invest.

Renee Sans Souci, Shonge Xube Wau (Sacred Horse Woman) said...

Miigwetch, Steve for your willingness to step forward and offer your input. I agree with what you've said. The heartache is always the risk of becoming vulnerable, opening up, and allowing people into our lives. I've spent so much time in constructing a life for my children and I that I've had little time to invest in anyone in the past 2 - 3 years. It's only now, where I am standing, that I am wondering what I should do next. I serve as a community leader here and as a sundance leader. I do all that I can for our people and more. But somehow I know a change is coming in the way I approach all this work and my personal life. It is good to meet you and again I thank you for responding.